Thoughts about Ruptures
Taking the day off to shed some stuff means you sometimes walk right back into the crap to deal with that shedding. I'm aware of several super intense church splits taking place across several denominational settings. Privy to some inside stuff on some of them. It's taking me places in my own journey that hasn't been all that pretty.
I will say this. I'm not shocked by much these days. I've seen some pretty ugly things. Here’s a list I just put together in real-time unedited format as a way of processing. It’s not comprehensive, and I will note - these observations seem to translate into business and family dynamics pretty easily.
1. Humans don't like accountability.
We don't like being told that we've done something wrong. And true wisdom is shown by embracing that hard feedback, admitting the wrongdoing, and making a change (also true for organizations). Dr. Henry Townsend teaches that there are three kinds of people in the biblical wisdom literature. The Wise receive truth, discern a way to apply it and live into it. The Foolish reject truth, even blame other and redirect. The Wicked not only reject, blame and redirect, they attack the source of truth. Truth here is defined as feedback and correction about ways one is wrong, deficient, etc. What kind of person (or organization) are you?
2. Our default is to protect ourselves and our own.
The simple fact is we will punt to others, squirm away from the hard stuff, and project onto others all the ways the situation has gone south. And we forget that sometimes the new person, the ones with shallower roots in the community, are pulled up and tossed away to protect the institution or the wrongdoer. It's amazing how much we are willing to overlook in order to preserve status quo.
3. Leadership requires backbone.
Edwin Friedman talks about the middling manager in Failure of Nerve as one who at the whiff of conflict fades away, filleted of a backbone as if smelling mustard gas. Leadership with integrity involves standing up for what is right, just and contributing to human thriving. In culture filled with litigation, ghosting, cancellation, and more, it’s increasingly difficult to find leaders who will stay the course. The best leaders live the balance of putting their people first and also going out ahead in the storm.
4. Our problems aren't all about bad leaders and sinful institutions.
Sure there are bad apples out there. News headlines are full of easy pickings. For every horrible story you hear about a leader or institution, I honestly say there are probably more situations where good leaders are caught in a no-win vise grip or an institution is buffeted by forces that don't really care if the leader or organization survives. Before you blame a conflict on a leader, consider what they had to work with and their environment of service. Not every injustice or conflict fits neatly into an institutional sin matrix.
5. You can be so right that you are wrong.
Having a backbone doesn't mean you are a steamroller. Just because you are on the side that might have the greater weight of "right" doesn't give you a free pass to destroy your opponent and deny their humanity. Just because you might be on a ministry side that takes the high road or the right path, doesn't mean you dance on the broken bodies of those caught in the middle. And oh, by the way, some of those broken bodies might even be in your camp.
6. Don't miss the opportunity to consider how you might be contributing to similar conflicts.
It's easy to engage in "failure porn" or the act of watching someone or an institution fail and having a perverse fascination with it. Be honest, every one of us has been tempted by this, whether it's in a desire to see a come-uppance , a justification of previous feelings and actions, a reminder of past trauma, etc. Instead, what does it look like for us to ask, "Lord reveal to me any wicked way within me, and help me to walk on the right path?" Modern psychiatry has identified over 150 possible biases we might embrace. 150. We are all prone to blindspots and bias, so take the hard things and learn from them.
Again, not comprehensive, but just a reflection in the heat of the moment.
I haven't mentioned much Scripture, because, well, I hate proof-texting. Just consider the story of Adam and Eve and Cain and Abel - you will see that Genesis is about how we got in the mess we are in and how we keep up that mess. So let's keep asking how we can step out of the craziness and invite God to help with wisdom and discernment.
